Amateur Night at the Gallows

Congratulate the Kurds, swing with the Shiites; get in sync with the new government, Sunnis.

Whatever is next, the wicked witch of the Middle East is dead, despite the muted complaints from the Munchkins of appeasement in Europe, the Vatican , and the American right and left.

Oh the hand wringing!

You’d think the Iraqi’s had murdered Jesus and all the apostles…on Good Friday.

Flame throwers are expert at producing hot air

They’d have you believe Saddam; was executed too soon, too late, on a holiday, before a holiday, was tortured, was danced around, was argued with…teased, had too tight a rope…too loose a rope, was unfairly tried, was executed before he was supposed to, was dangled too long…not long enough, should have gotten life, execution will cause more violence, etc., etc., ad nausea.

And, Oy Vey, the pick ‘em up truck his body was transported in? Who was driving it, Larry the Cable guy? SHOCKING!

And to top it off, the Sunnis won’t like us.

SO WHAT???

They didn’t like us before the war. Remember Osama?

At least Iraqi Sunnis can recognize the destruction Saddam caused fellow Iraqis just to keep himself, Uday and Qusay in business.

At least 80% of the Iraqi population is thrilled Saddam and his rape room sons aren’t coming back, despite what the liberal press says. In a country where very little is accepted as fact, Saddam has been feared for over 25 years…justifiably so. Smuggled or not, the images were clear. Saddam and his evil seed are gone…forever. Seeing is believing.

Besides if left alive, President Hillary RODHAM/clinton would have Hussein pardoned for a modest million or three contribution to her “Library”. Saddam’s net worth was estimated at $57 billion. (It’s good to be the despot…until they string you up.) After all, this week’s story is she made a boo-boo voting for the war, greens fee for running on the Democratic ’08 ticket.

The pardon would happen just after she was sworn in and before Bill had a chance to interview the new flock of interns to the White House.

Hello, information here. This is Saddam Hussein we’re talking about. The man murdered and tortured enemies, many the very same Iraqis that Bush Senior told to trust us in ‘91…then abandoned for the UN. Hussein dispatched whole families, their friends, and their babies. These enemies were made an example of, as a warning to anyone who was considering stepping out of line.

Men, women, children.

It mattered not to Saddam. Hell, he dispatched his members of his own family when he felt threatened. It must have been Hell contemplating that last serving of falafel at the palace dining room table with Hussein staring at you.

Almost all were tortured and murdered without benefit of even a thought of a trial that Saddam received. The lucky ones were spared by having a quick death without seeing family members ripped apart before them. The bodies were summarily dumped in mass graves, without the religious cleansing and proper Muslim burial, demanded by some for the very monster that perpetrated his form of “justice” for his fellow Muslims.

Where was the outrage then? Where was the UN? Where was the Vatican ? Where was Europe ? Where was France ?

Most were in his pocket in one way or another. The others? Who can explain the mental illness of appeasement?

I can’t.

Besides, the Iraqi Dictator was a mortal enemy to the USA , AND his neighbors.

I know because I have Democrats on record telling us so, then voting for war twice, the first time under Bill Clinton, before 9/11 changed us forever.

The most important inheritance you can leave your country is the example you set in life.

If anything, Saddam was outraged because he was being “tortured” by pure amateurs. I’m sure he would have gleefully postponed his swing under the gallows just to give a few pointers on how to be a real beast.

On the other end of the world, President Bush has set the example of what even a beleaguered commander in chief can accomplish with a weak, yet voted in Democracy.
The most important reason to rejoice in Saddam’s demise is exactly why he murdered so many.

It should serve as a deterrent to some of the other leader mongrels. They don’t want to die. They just want others to die for them. Osama, Ah’m Mad, Zawahiri, and Jong, may not give up…yet, but they have been put on warning.

Remember our new buddy Gaddafi? He wised up when the first Marine hit Iraqi sand.

Winning is not a four letter word.

The only way to win this war…and it’s a long way from being won, is to kill enough of the leaders. They aren’t in the dying business. They’re in the power business. Dying is for the expendable.

On the other end of the world, President Bush has set the example of what even a beleaguered commander in chief can accomplish.

Now if only those Munchkins can just follow the yellow brick road long enough to let our president win this war…

The great, great, great grandson of Frankenstein

Noted politician, Internet inventor, public decrier of all things Bush, and all around Liberal Extraordinaire, ex-VP Al Gore has come down from the clouds. He was doubtlessly in conference with the almighty, Willard Scott. Al declared global warming as an "Inconvenient Truth." Alas, the common folk blamed for their contribution, have been ordered to buy fuel efficient vehicles, called hybrids.

For my part, I now carry four hybrids in my bag and use a battery driven golf cart VS my old gas guzzler. No sacrifice here. I've cut my handicap by two and have saved enough on gas to buy my wife a cheap boob job…a clearance rack.

I hear the History Channel was cancelled…too many repeats

Sadly for Al, many have not given up their TV. Occasionally, my remote ends up pointing at the History Channel. I was watching the history of Napoleon and his disastrous retreat from the frozen Russian tundra in December of 1812. I heard it was cold because of a strange epoch called the Little Ice Age or LIA.

You see, the LIA began in 1250 and lasted to 1850.

A 600 year's Ice Age. Just 157 years ago. WOW! Who woulda thought? I didn't catch that on CNN.

Professors dumped on Al so much, he had to take out a permit as a landfill.

While some scientists inexplicably side with Gore in blaming the current earth population for future dooms and gloom, many experts dissent. Even I know the industrial revolution and its' epidemic of pollutants and ozone eating Freon and Co2 came after the entire world's cooling and warming history.

Of course there's ample evidence that man made Co2 does NOT create global warming.
Paleoclimatologist Professor Tim Patterson explained when Co2 levels were 10 times more than they are today some 450 million years ago, the earths' temperatures were the coldest than at any time in the last 1/2 billion years.

Professor Bob Carter of Marine Geophysical Lab at James Cook University, Australia, used the words "pathetic," "weak," and "circumstantial" to describe Al's "Inconvenient Truth."

Our fabulous and fair UN has declared man half as much responsible for global warming as Al has accused him of.

However, the pressure not to contradict Al Gores' hot flashes has brainwashed some in the senate that believe free speech ends with Al Gore's nutty theories. Senators Snowe and Rockefeller have demanded Exxon Mobil cease and desist in funding any scientist with a view contrary to Al Gore and the rest of the weathery nuts.

This may be far-fetched, but I believe Al Gore has an ulterior motive for wanting us to believe we're in for a scorching.

History has a way of burning off the fog of propaganda.

You see, in 1816, 34 years before the end of the LIA, a young woman named Mary Shelley took a June vacation to Lake Geneva She was hoping to get a lot of R&R outside on the water and shore.

Those 12 months were notorious as the "year without a summer." The people Mary was with decided to stay warm indoors and have a ghost writing contest. One guest, Dr. John Polidori came up with The Vampyire, later used by Bram Stoker to create the modern shocker.
Mary could think of nothing.

However, in the middle of the night of that wintry summer, she had what she called a walking dream where the story of "Frankenstein" played before her eyes.

Other than the obvious physical similarities between them, if you Google Al Gore with Shelley and Frankenstein, you find 677,000 hits…coincidence?

"24 cans of beer in a case, 24 hours in a day…coincidence?" (Steven Wright.) Methinks not.

There is as much evidence that Al Gore is the Great, Great, Great grandson of Frankenstein as is the global warming "truth" frothing from his mouth.

So, I ask. Is Al Gore interested in so-called Global Warming? Or is it a deke to hide his real identity and its' cause, the 600 year Little Ice Age from which Al's spiritual forbears, if not literal ones came from.

In fact, according to the UN, the most devastating effect on the environment is caused not by planes, SUVS, or Co2. What's more harmful?

Cow manure.

That brings us back to Al Gore. Even Frankenstein couldn't overcome the wrath of the pitchfork wielding villagers.

Al Gore has been deemed irrelevant by something a little lower on the food chain: fertilizer, better known in popular vernacular as bullsh-t.

Harry's Leftovers (12/23/06)

"'tis the season to be jolly....". Maybe....maybe not! Things seem to be a little slow on the local news front this time of year. I'm not sure if it's lack of effort on the part of the newsies or if we really go into a lull at this time of year. But it always seems a good time to be out with the old (leftovers) to make room for the new. So here is some of my end of year house cleaning.

TCOB.....It is the holiday time so there always seems to be some holiday expectations. I think I'm starting to notice some real backlash with all the PC crap (oops!) about this time of year. Seems like I get one or two emails a day poking fun at the PCness of some businesses and people around this time. I am absolutely tired of it myself and I don't think I want to play anymore. So, let's take care of this holiday business: For me and from me it's Merry Christmas. That's my holiday and I wish everybody the best of what it means. And it's OK for my family to also be wishing a Happy Chanukah. But if that's not enough for you, I hope you have a good--whatever you're into--but my wishes have to come from what I believe.

CHRISTMAS SEASON IS JUST TOO LONG! If you know me, you know that I am an avid TV watcher. In browsing the TV guide this week, I noticed that networks are even showing reruns of Christmas shows that played only a couple of weeks ago! When the hype and advertising for the holiday have gone on for so long that the media mogels can't even fill a schedule, it's gone on too damned long! No wonder people get shopped out and worn out over the holidays. I couldn't carry-on for five weeks even when I was 40 years younger!

I TOLD YOU SO! You may recall that I bemoaned the departure of Martin Schwartz as the editor of the RDN. I also wondered how long it would take to slip back to the "old" RDN. Have you noticed that we no longer get a posting of gasoline prices on the front page (or anywhere else)? These disappeared about the time Rolla's prices started going all over the board and Rolla suddenly jumped to some of the highest in the state. Is that a coincidence (insert your favorite conspiracy theory here) or laziness? Have you noticed that the Monday front page is usually features and fluff rather than hard news? I guess nothing happens in our sleepy little town from early Friday til Monday morning. I guess I miss the passion that Martin brought to the paper for the brief time he was among us.

ANOTHER CONSPIRACY THEORY? Seems that President Bush just signed into law a series of tax changes (deductions) that will benefit many tax payers. The problem is that these changes came about AFTER the IRS printed tax forms for this year. So there is a good chance that a lot of people who could benefit won't notice or know how to apply the deductions. The result--overpayment by many tax payers. At a time when we have one of the biggest deficts in ages and have a costly war to pay for, is this "overcollecting" just a coincidence?

WHERE OR WHERE HAS MY CABLE TV GONE...? Are you aware that both the Fidelity Cable franchise and the City's agreement with Channel 16 expire in a couple of months and, although the City had a "blue ribbon" panel working this year, we could be facing screens of gray fuzz in the near future? No one officially seems to be too concerned, but that's the way we often do business--the big rush at the last minute. The combined meeting time for two City Council meetings in December was less than an hour and a half. Wouldn't this have been a good time, without any other pressing issues, to get some of this taken care of instead of waiting for the clock to run out?

SPEAKING OF BUSINESS AS USUAL.... The City Council did approve a new agreement with the Chamber for the tourism tax. And it's far better than the previous agreement! At an earlier meeting, Councilman Magdits called for more specific benchmarks--measurable points of progress--to be included in the agreement. Approval was actually postponed so this could happen. Councilman Magdits missed the last meeting and others pushed to approve the agreement without the new benchmarks. We'll learn what the Chamber is really supposed to do and how we will measure their progress in March or April--AFTER the agreement has already taken effect. Seems like business as usual between the City and the Chamber--here's the money and tell us sometime how you spent it for us.

AND JUST A TASTE OF THE NEW.... Is TIF really going to happen? Will UMR still be here next year? Will be getting a "Lions Club" upscale grocery? What new I-44 exit? These are a few of the issues to be addressed during my predictions for 2007. Tune in this week and see!

And finally, I'll close with my usual prayer: Lord protect me from those who have no sense of humor and take themselves too seriously. And protect them from me! Grant me the knowledge to recognize the idiot in the room...and give me the wisdom to keep my mouth shut when the idiot is me!

P.S. Have a Happy New Year! If this isn't your new year--have a nice day!

The Borough Park Playoffs

By Joni Weinbaum

My first anniversary trip with my new husband was an obvious choice. New York has always been one of my favorite places.

OK, Rio was close behind but I hadn’t updated my passport with my newly married name, Weinbaum.

Yep, I married a Jew.

I knew my husband shared the same love of NYC as I did and it seemed appropriate that we would spend our first anniversary in the city that never sleeps. David doesn’t sleep either. He often wakes in the middle of the night to write…something that makes me envious. We are usually on the same page on most issues but mostly, I am drawn to his passion for writing and baseball.

Being in the city for five days, we did our share of theatre and comedy as well as enjoy the natives in the local sports bars. We were missing our own St. Louis Cardinals home games during an incredibly exciting week of playoffs. Marriage is indeed a sacrifice; but who knew, that the Cards would ever make it to the World Series, much less win the whole thing?

Our busy schedule included a first time meeting with the chief editor of Jewish World Review, Binyamin L. Jolkovsky. We planned a lunch with Bin in Brooklyn ’s Flatbush at a kosher restaurant, The Jerusalem II. What was as much of surprise as the menu was the man who was waiting for us. A younger than expected, man of thirty five or so, Bin was dressed to the tees in suit, tie, and yamulka.

Bin’s eyes were soft and quiet, and he sat as if he was uncomfortable with the time he was about to commit to us. He immediately assured us he was happy to meet us and time was not a problem and yes, he had not been to sleep since the day before and it was approaching one in the afternoon. After lunch and few photos, Dave and I were ready to catch a subway back to Time’s Square for the three o’clock Cardinal game.

Bin, eager to show off his beloved Brooklyn, insisted Dave and I would benefit from a walking tour of an area that boasts the highest population of Jews next to Israel ; Flatbush and Borough Park .

I guess the Cardinals would have to wait.

Borough Park was a bit of a hike so we chased a bus for two blocks. David played track star making sure the driver wouldn’t outpace us.

I think the men hadn’t noticed I wasn’t wearing my track shoes. Flagging a cab had to be easier but this wasn’t Manhattan and I didn’t want to seem a sissy; after all I am the only one who got a night’s sleep.

We didn’t have enough change for the fare but Bin got us on with one word to the grumpy driver: “Tourists”. The driver rolled his eyes and grudgingly let us on board while the locals chuckled.

Upon arriving at the main drag in Borough Park I was overwhelmed by an amazing feeling of festivity in the air. All thoughts of Busch Stadium would have to wait as I stepped off the bus and into another world.

This was fascinating!

Sukkot, another Jewish holiday, was tomorrow and all the pedestrians were rushing to get ready. Preparation for this holiday is serious business as families with small children, all in conservative dress, walked on the crowded street to finish their days shopping. We were elbow to elbow with baby strollers and shoppers carry bags. The smell from nearby bakeries hovered with fresh bread.

Bin, explained earlier, his household was expecting several guests and his job was to do buy the food as his wife had a full time career and a long commute. He also had to return home to finish editing AND he had afternoon prayers.

I begged him to stop walking and get some of his shopping done. Besides, my high heels were starting to pinch my toes. Painstaking activities had to be done before dusk prayers and something was telling me our host was running out of time.

On the other hand, the wig stores and toy shops along with tailors and tanners…darn I wanted to join the fun. The women’s hats stores had the most ornate and colorful designs so I took it upon myself to stop the men and wander. I was clearly a tourist and didn’t want to be rude by schlepping one of their beautiful headdresses on my untidy coif. Oh, did I mention that I was the only woman in the entire borough to sport slacks? There wasn’t a female without a long, modest dress.

I grabbed my camera to capture one of the most beautiful sights I have witnessed in the American landscape. Young boys, behind endless tables that lined crowded sidewalks, were dressed in the formal attire of the culture and calling out as vendors in a ballpark. All claimed to have the best, not to mention the most affordable, merchandise.

Two plants were displayed meticulously: a long green palm and an etrog, a bumpy green fruit that resembles a lemon. Later I found out the long straight palm branch represents the spine and the etrog fruit represents the heart. Separately, these parts have the potential to be used for sin, but were joined together in the performance of mitzvoth or commandments. These symbols weren’t cheap either and each man held them up to study as if buying a diamond. WOW!

“Bin, what’s the scoop here?! You’d think it was a groom picking out his bride’s ring!”

“Well, that’s not a bad analogy.”

Analogy, I thought. Boy, am I clever but how am I going capture this on paper?

What was most apparent was the amount of peace I felt being in the midst of these people and the number of children being led by pregnant young moms, insurance the traditions this Judaism, a religion which is father to my own, will live on.

I felt connected to this culture yet I felt and looked so out of place. I could only be a tourist here but the questions I had kept coming and time was running out.

We finally thanked and bid Bin Shalom.

David and I made it back to Manhattan in time to catch the last couple of innings of our beloved Cardinals. But, I couldn’t stop thinking about what I had just experienced in Brooklyn .

As we walked back to the hotel that evening, we began making plans for next year.

Forget Rio, NEXT YEAR IN JERUSALEM !

RUN LIKE A LIB, GOVERN LIKE A BUSH

Elections are like Mistletoe. Ya get under ‘em and you gotta kiss who’s already there.

Dems promised in exchange for our votes to:

• Impeach Bush
• Cut and run Murtha style.
• Enact ALL 9/11 committee recommendations.
• Impeach Bush.
• Bring back the draft.
• Raise taxes.
• Impeach Cheney.
• Amend the Constitution to include a Terrorists Bill of Rights by trying them in American courts defended by American lawyers instead of military tribunals like was done in previous wars. The anti-USA ACLU is licking its collective chops.
• Rid the country of that nasty NSA wiretap of terrorists, lest we make Bush look like he’s been effective at warding off ALL ATTACKS SINCE 9/11/2001 on American soil.
• Impeach Bush.
  

Elections humble what power corrupts.

Okay, so Dems won with leading the fanatics in a fantasy of Lib ecstasy. That particular dream of watching Bush, Cheney, Condi, Rummy, Rove, Card and Bolton perp walked in cuffs down the White House front lawn wasn’t very realistic anyway, was it?

Getting to the peak is one thing. Before you can fly off you have to check your bearings, fuel, wings and resistance. Reality and political logic seem to have set in.

• Impeaching the President? Dropped quicker than new Senator Webb’s intended left hook to the President’s jaw.
• Rangel’s daffy draft dredge? He was last seen with his pie hole duct taped, on his way to Cheney’s old office. Heard Nancy had to use two rolls.
• Link up the Bush Administration to a chain gang in Alabama ? Except for soon to be acquitted or pardoned Libby, not even an indictment, much less a conviction.
• 9/11 recs? Buried lower than John Kerry’s presidential chances.
• Cut and run? Carl Levin now “listening to the generals in the field.” Sound familiar? Murtha was Swift boated by his own party.
• Tax increases? Dems NOW want to make a whole slew of Repub tax cuts permanent! The party of billionaire and multi millionaire leaders has realized their faux passé.
• The terrorist bill of rights and NSA/ Patriot Act are still up in the air, but give the Libs a chance. The next election isn’t for almost 2 years!

The nutty left must be livid!

Never kiss a woman with botoxed lips, unless you’re carrying the antidote

I consulted Democratic meeting facilitator, Oprah Seed, on what all this meant. She believes that the Dems are getting smart.

Pelosi, Reid, Schumer, and Emmanuel, played their cards to power via a hate Bush, wrong war, Repubs are corrupt hand. The flop paired up with the voters desires. The Repubs, all in, folded like a cheap towel.

Now in control, Dems seem to be acknowledging we are at war and if it wasn’t Iraq , it’d be somewhere over “there”, that Bush isn’t running in ’08, and they have as much of a corrupt mess to clean up of their own congressmen before the next election cycle.

They ran to the left and are governing to the center. Clinton did the exact opposite, at least until he lost both houses in ’94.

Could it be the Dems plan to STAY in power?

As Oprah said, the way to find the politician in a snowball fight is to look for the one throwing curveballs.

Let’s see how long their arms last, before their Lib money managers pull ‘em for a true southpaw.

Harry's Leftovers (11/9/06)

Wow! It's been a month since I've done some housecleaning. So I guess that makes it time to clean the shelves and clear the air. So here is some stuff I haven't been able to throw out in a while.

"We hardly knew ye...." I am saddened and disturbed by the departure of Martin Schwartz from the Rolla Dailey News. I feel some pride in saying before that the guy was too good and too smart to be at the RDN very long. In the short time he was here, he raised the level of professionalism at the paper, restored a lot of faith in that medium, and gave us an unbiased look at the workings of the City, RMU, and other organizations which pretended to be "public bodies." And it was obvious that some of those entities were not used to having their actions reviewed publically. I thank Steve Sowers for giving us Martin, even for a short time, but I worry about how long it will be before we regress to the old "Rolla Dailey Snooze" without someone like Martin at the helm. Time will tell.

An observation. Next time you are out-and-about in a rain storm, notice the number of people who still haven't caught on that State law requires your car lights to be on when the wipers are being used.

Are these folks for real???? I am increasingly concerned and alarmed by the number of tv ads which use stylized video-game type characters to hawk products and services instead of flesh and blood people. Charles Schwab investment ads come to mind. Here is my concern: has this generation played so many video games with these stylized characters that they no longer realize these folks aren't real. It appears so, if a noted brokerage house uses them to market and endorse their services. Sad,....tres sad!!!!!!!

I raised a question on the morning show a couple of weeks ago: Are some people too dumb to be allowed to vote? I think the folks in the above will fall into that group for me.

Is UMR (or whatever) behind the curve? Based on comments by Councilperson Wiggins and the need to do something with our own Rolla National Airport, I proposed on-air this morning that UMR take on the airport as a project with the city--establishing their new research park and being creative in addressing new energy and infrastructure needs. This very afternoon, I read in the Columbia Tribune that the City of Columbia is going to buy wind-generated electricity from a company founded by (formerly Rolla's own) Tom Carnahan, who is a lawyer--not an engineer! Doesn't that put the home of THE state technological university a little behind the curve? It does in my mind.

PS. Has the Chancellor realized his folly? I noticed this name change thing has certainly been under the radar and out of the news lately. I just hope we are not in for a big surprise!

Some final election follow-up: It's not my job to be the election commentator, but here are some things I find interesting as a voter and a citizen. I'm sure some of my Republican friends will be offended.

Mr. Ashcroft lost his senate seat to a dead guy and got a job in the Bush Administration. At least Mr. Talent lost to a living candidate, so what does Mr. Bush have in line for him? (Is that too irreverent?)

I like that we have senators from different parties. This puts the concept of representing Missouri to the test--shouldn't they now vote together more than differently, if they are truly putting Missouri first? Can't wait to see the finger pointing and hear the excuses on that one!

I thought Mr. Bush was very presidential at his post-election news conference. He did and said things I would expect from my president. (Yes, he is my president, even if I didn't vote for him). He said he believes everyone wants the same things--good education, strong economy, feeling safe--even if we disagree on the methods. That's a starting point for working together. So here is the challenge and the test--anybody can lead when all the advantages are yours. Now that the Republicans don't control congress, but still control the veto pen, it becomes a test of leadership to get things done. For both sides!!!!

I am amazed when I listen to the excuses and explanations as to why the Republicans lost ground, especially in Missouri. Senator Bond said he felt the recent Republican scandals contributed. Another explanation was that stem cells brought out a large vote and the Democratic success paralleled that issue. Another was the minimum wage issue brought out people who don't usually vote. I know it is important to analyze, but at the same time, don't overlook the obvious--just maybe after being in power for so long, they are a bit out of touch. I think this happens when any party is in power too long--party arrogance. I also see stories about finding a strategy to regain power or control. I may be naive, but shouldn't it be about something on a little higher plain than power and control?

Was I the only one disappointed when Senator Talent said he did not regret the tone of his campaign?

And finally, I'll close with my usual prayer: Lord protect me from those who have no sense of humor and take themselves too seriously. And protect them from me! Grant me the knowledge to recognize the idiot in the room...and give me the wisdom to keep my mouth shut when the idiot is me!

JOHN KERRY’S TO DO LIST FROM 10/30/06

JOHN KERRY’S TO DO LIST FROM 10/30/06

1. Service the “cash cow”-ugh! X
2. "Hunt” for Thanksgiving feast in downtown Boston . X
3. Throw out rejection letters from MENSA. X
4. Check out widowed Billionaireses on Match.com. X
5. Buy his Lerch costume for Halloween. X
6. Go to ATM and cash $20 million check from –ugh- Teresa. X
7. Schedule Teresa on next space shuttle. X
8. Call US Troops, that he’s already called baby-killers and terrorists, idiots. X
9. Single handedly wipe out any chance at all of the Democrats gaining majority in next weeks’ elections. X
10. Reserve himself a picture bio next to the word “loser” in dictionary. X

Top Ten Thoughts of the Week

10. Politicians put their foot down on those that refuse to kickback.
9. I put the cherry on the bottom of my sundae. I wanted to feel like I’ve earned it.
8. Hold your head high without looking down on others.
7. Unless you’re in the dictionary, you might as well define yourself.
6. If you can’t say anything nice about someone, write about him and get paid.
5. Be on the ball, but don’t lose your balance.
4. Last one late to class always sits in the squeaky chair.
3. A flame thrower is never as happy as when he is in pitched battle.
2. My doctor auditioned to set my broken arm, but he didn’t make the cast.
1. Let truth become your persuasion.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must
first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is
help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT"
problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn
from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to
give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and
not live his life like the rest of the chickens.


GEORGE W. BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image
of the chicken crossing the road.

CHENEY...
Where's my shotgun?

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN:
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now
against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the
chicken's intentions.

JUDGE JUDY:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his
eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN:To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was
going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs
when the price dropped to a certain level.

DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why i t crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.

JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's
why they call it the "other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay.
And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott
all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media
white washes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That
chicken should not be free to cross the road. It's as plain and simple
as that!

GRANDPA:
In my day we didn't ask why the chicken cros sed the road. Somebody told
us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS:
Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the
chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it
experienced a serious case of molti ng, and went on to accomplish its
life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON:
Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in
peace.

ARISTOTLE:
It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES; I have just released eChicken2006,which will not only cross
roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance
your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of chicken. The
Platform is much more stable and will
never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN:
Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the
chicken?

BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of
chicken?

COLONEL SANDERS:
Did I miss one?